The 14 Best Santa Beards, Ranked By Math & Beardiness

Let's get real — not all rosy cheeks and bushy white facial hair were created equal. But how do you break down which Saint Nick wears the beard best? To figure it out, we created a formula based upon the classic holiday poem, "'Twas the Night Before Christmas."

Points were assigned based on the following Santa criteria: beard color, volume, and overall grooming. Because it is frankly impossible to evaluate a Santa beard on its own, a number of other factors — including rosiness of cheeks, dimples, and eye twinkles — were also included in our analysis. Beards were awarded points on a sliding scale, per characteristic, with up to three points per category. An additional point was awarded if the Santa in question appeared to have a belly that could potentially shake like “a bowl full of jelly” when he laughs. A point was deducted if the signature red-and-white hat was missing. Final point tallies determined overall Santa rankings.

Ho, ho, ho — let the judging begin!

Overall Ranking: No. 10

The Santa: Billy Bob Thornton in Bad Santa (2003)

The Scores
Twinkly eyes: 1
Rosy cheeks: 0
Beard snow-whiteness: 2
Beard volume: 1
Beard grooming: 1

Additional comments: This Santa is a hot mess and totally lacking in general jolliness. No bonus points were awarded.
Total points: 5

Overall Ranking: No. 9

The Santa: James Cosmo in The Santa Incident (Made for TV, 2010)

The Scores
Twinkly eyes: 2
Rosy cheeks: 2
Beard snow-whiteness: 2
Beard volume: 2
Beard grooming: 2
Deducted: 1

Additional comments: Sorry to say, but Cosmo lost a point for foregoing the hat. Hoods just don't count.
Total points: 9

Overall Ranking: No. 8

The Santa: David Huddleston, Santa Claus: The Movie (1985)

The Scores
Twinkly eyes: 3
Rosy cheeks: 3
Beard snow-whiteness: 1
Beard volume: 2
Beard grooming: 1

Additional comments: Since this movie is an origin story about the creation of the Christmas icon, we should probably give him a pass on the grey beard. But that wouldn't be fair. No bonus points awarded!
Total points: 10

Overall Ranking: Tied For No. 7

The Santa: Paul Giamatti in Fred Claus (2007)

The Scores
Twinkly eyes: 1
Rosy cheeks: 1
Beard snow-whiteness: 3
Beard volume: 3
Beard grooming: 2
Bonus: 1

Additional comments: One point for the jelly belly. No deductions, though overall jolliness could be improved.
Total points: 11

Overall Ranking: Tied For No. 7

The Santa, a.k.a "Father Christmas": James Cosmo,The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch and The Wardrobe (2005)

The Scores
Twinkly eyes: 2
Rosy cheeks: 3
Beard snow-whiteness: 2
Beard volume: 3
Beard grooming: 2
Deducted: 1

Additional comments: Less one point for leaving the Santa hat behind. And this Santa looks like he's been doing sit-ups, so no belly-jiggle points are being awarded at this time.
Total points: 11

Overall Ranking: No. 6

The Santa: Sebastian Cabot in Miracle on 34th Street (Made for TV, 1973)

The Scores
Twinkly eyes: 3
Rosy cheeks: 1
Beard snow-whiteness: 2
Beard volume: 3
Beard grooming: 3
Bonus: 1
Deducted: 1

Additional comments: Okay,'70s Santa is everything. That mustache! The mild feathering! Those lapels! We know we're breaking rank here, but he gets an extra point just for being rad. But minus one point for no hat.
Total points: 12

Overall Ranking: Tied For No. 5

The Santa: John Call in Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

The Scores
Twinkly eyes: 2
Rosy cheeks: 3
Beard snow-whiteness: 3
Beard volume: 3
Beard grooming: 2

Additional comments: Fun fact: This film has been called one of the worst movies ever made. No points for that, though. And there doesn't seem to be a jelly-belly situation happening, so nothing extra there, either.
Total points: 13

Overall Ranking: Tied for No. 5

The Santa: Richard Samuel Attenborough in Miracle on 34th Street (1994)

The Scores
Twinkly eyes: 2
Rosy cheeks: 3
Beard snow-whiteness: 2
Beard volume: 2
Beard grooming: 3
Bonus: 1

Additional comments: While we're not totally sold on how short the beard is, we appreciate the clear manscaping effort. An additional point was awarded for jelly tummy (not pictured).
Total points: 13

Overall Ranking: Tied For No. 4

The Santa: Ed Asner in Elf (2003)

The Scores
Twinkly eyes: 3
Rosy cheeks: 3
Beard snow-whiteness: 3
Beard volume: 2
Beard grooming: 2
Bonus: 1

Additional comments: Ed Asner gets a jelly point. Also, we're adding this fancy fur collar to our Christmas lists.
Total points: 14

Overall Ranking: Tied For No. 4

The Santa: Leslie Nielsen, All I Want for Christmas (1991)

The Scores
Twinkly eyes: 3
Rosy cheeks: 2
Beard snow-whiteness: 3
Beard volume: 3
Beard grooming: 3

Additional comments: The 'stache is a Christmas miracle. But no extra points were awarded for this comical portrayal.
Total points: 14

Overall Ranking: Tied For No. 4

The Santa: Jeff Gillen, A Christmas Story (1983)

The Scores
Twinkly eyes: 3
Rosy cheeks: 3
Beard snow-whiteness: 2
Beard volume: 3
Beard grooming: 3
Bonus: 1
Deducted: 1

Additional comments: You know there's a round tummy under that red velour. Extra point! But! One point deducted for meanness: Dude pushes Ralphie down the slide with his boot and utters a nasty, "Ho. Ho. Hooooo."
Total points: 14

Overall Ranking: No. 3

The Santa: Tim Allen, The Santa Clause (1994)

The Scores
Twinkly eyes: 3
Rosy cheeks: 3
Beard snow-whiteness: 3
Beard volume: 3
Beard grooming: 3
Deducted: 1
Bonus: 1

Additional comments: Who would have thought the guy who never wanted to be Santa in the first place would be such a top-tier Santa? Less one point for lack of hat; plus one point for a tummy that shakes like a bowl full of jelly when he laughs.
Total points: 15

Overall Ranking: No. 2

The Santa: John Goodman, The Year Without Santa Claus
(Made for TV, 2007)

The Scores
Twinkly eyes: 3
Rosy cheeks: 3
Beard snow-whiteness: 3
Beard volume: 3
Beard grooming: 3
Bonus: 1

Additional comments: It is possible thatGoodman was destined to play this part? One extra point for the jelly belly!
Total points: 16

Overall Ranking: No. 1

The Santa: Edmund Gwenn in the original Miracle on 34th Street (1947)

The Scores
Twinkly eyes: 3
Rosy cheeks: 3
Beard snow-whiteness: 3
Beard volume: 3
Beard grooming: 3
Bonus: 2

Additional comments: Hat? Check. Hint of a jelly belly? Check. Plus, another bonus point for having the gentlest, most Santa Claus-y voice of the bunch. We're calling this a perfect score!
Total points: 17